on wanting to feel better
Ive noticed that my depression is less. Whether its the weekly therapy, the medications, or just plain time passing - I am feeling better than 6-8 months ago. Depression is comfortable, its easy to stay there. Its easy to take your pain and trauma, wrap yourself up in it and use it as an excuse to... not do anything, or to avoid things in my case.
I feel like im making a lot of progress in therapy. One theory ive always had about therapy is that you have to want to get better to actually get better. Seems kind of obvious on its face but again, depression is easy, even comfortable at times, the insidious thing about it is that the longer youre stuck in it the more familiar it becomes and it starts to feel safe, like its protecting you from [insert big scary thing].
That's not to say that depression isnt useful, it can be helpful to pause your life and figure out whatthefuckisgoingon for a bit. But its tricky to pull yourself out of the hole and not stay there longer than needed. It is hard to want to get out of that hole.
I feel Im at the point where I actively want to get better. Which feels like half the battle won.