coffee love and other drugs followup
my recreational drug usage continue to evolve.
Ive gotten into decaf specialty coffees. A decaf generally has 0.1-3% of the caffeine content of normal coffee, so its only gonna be around 1-5 mg versus my normal coffee, equivalent to a sip or two of the dew. to my surpise two of my favorite coffee shops carry decaf beans. a decaf capuccino is great for a late afternoon treat. still having my smaller cup of home brew in the mornings. the routine is nice.
In a similar vain, M and I have been dabbling in non-alcoholic alcohols. Theres surprisingly a lot of good beverages that mimic the flavor profiles of the real stuff, and theyre quite tasty even if not a one-to-one replacement to the original sans ethanol. Its kind of like how a mushroom burger definitely isnt a beef patty but its still a good sandwich. just a different thing and still good. Its nice to enjoy a tasty mocktail and skip the depressed mood, headache, dehydration, and guilt (from the negative health effects) I associate with real alcohol. My favorite so far has been an almond 'liqueur' that tastes extremely like Disaronno. it goes great with a large ice cube and a luxardo cherry or two. Tanquerey also makes a 0.0 proof of their london dry, might be ordering some with my next paycheck.
after my most recent psych followup I am adding a dedicated anxiety medication to my cocktail. the beta blocker is good for most of the physical symptoms of anxiety but doesnt do much of anything for racing thoughts and nervousness. which tracks as anxiety treatment is the off label usage, it does great for heart palpitations though. Pysch and I (mostly me) decided to try buspirone, which works by 'tickling your seratonin receptors' into letting out more seratonin, as opposed to an SSRI which prevents the cleanup of seratonin giving you a surplus. I wanted this one instead of a benzo (xanax et al) because of the abuse/addiction risk, being stoopid from sedation, and the chance of early alzeheimers. And historically i haven't met an SSRI I could tolerate to put it lightly. So yea the other route sounds wayy better.
some patients say buspirone takes 1-2 weeks to kick in, as did my doctor, but some report effects the same day. placebo or not, i felt preeeeeeetty chill after 3-4 hours. Today as well has been very good for anxiety, the lowest in a long time. While today wasnt particular stressful and nothing was really going on, my anxiety was definitely lower than average. at my followup i reported i was feeling a 2/10 anxiety but now by comparison of today i was definitely higher at a 4 or 5. I had felt in that doctors office like i do on most 'good' days which i would usually describe as 'fine' or 'normal' and a 2ish anxiety level which for me is a little nervous with manageable racing thoughts. But it seems my low end of the scale is way off. i had no idea my mind could be this calm and just ease through the day. It seems that most days im actually quite anxious.
Ive experienced deep calm many times in my life. During a few deep meditations, hiking a snowy mountainside, walking deep in a rainy forest, or reading on the beach with a lover. For me, deep calm was something that required a substantive amount of effort to manifest. Those experiences felt singular. Outliers. Now the floor has fallen out of what i believed to be normal in daily life, which turns out to have been furniturization of an anxiety so deeply rooted that it had settled into the walls.
With this breakthrough im in freefall. i feel unburdened for the first time in a long time. strong and light.
-Bruce