adult child of narcissist bingo

31 Dec, 2024

I tend to make jokes of really morbid stuff, I call these two exercises adult child of narcissist bingo. Collect all 30 and win a lifetime of cognitive therapy! I made this post not as a "woah is me" or "check out how crazy your parents might be". I'm posting this as some kind of catharsis for my own struggles, and in the chance that it helps someone else in a similar situation.

These exercises are from "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson, chapter 2 or 3. I highly recommend the book. It was hugely helpful in unearthing some of the feelings I've had for years towards my father that I never realized I had. "Emotionally immature" is not a DSM-5 diagnosis nor does the label intend to be, the intent is to benefit the child in processing whatever personality or relational conflict they may have with their parent(s). As Dr. Gibson puts it,

Human emotional immaturity has been studied for a long time. However, over the years it has lost ground to an increasing focus on symptoms and clinical diagnosis, using a medical disease model to quantify behaviors as illnesses suitable for insurance reimbursement. But in terms of a deep understanding of people, assessing emotional immaturity is often far more useful.

Emotional immaturity shows itself most clearly in relationships, and its impacts are especially profound when the relationship is between a parent and child.

According to the book, checking off one or more from either list suggests an emotionally immature parent. Which means they could have a personality disorder, or maybe are just an asshole. Doesn't matter either way, what matters is you and your own self-actualization. These are for you to assess for your own clarity. They are not for your parent to complete, nor for your ammo in a future conflict with them. This is part of the discovery process.

Stay safe. Therapy is great. You are not them.

-Bruce

Exercise 1: Assessing Your Parent’s Emotional Immaturity

Read through the following statements and check any that describe your parent.

1. My parent often overreacted to relatively minor things.
2. My parent didn’t express much empathy or emotional awareness.
3. When it came to emotional closeness and feelings, my parent seemed uncomfortable and didn’t go there.
4. My parent was often irritated by individual differences or different points of view.
5. When I was growing up, my parent used me as a confidant but wasn’t a confidant for me.
6. My parent often said and did things without thinking about people’s feelings.
7. I didn’t get much attention or sympathy from my parent, except maybe when I was really sick.
8. My parent was inconsistent—sometimes wise, sometimes unreasonable.
9. If I became upset, my parent either said something superficial and unhelpful or got angry and sarcastic.
10. Conversations mostly centered on my parent’s interests.
11. Even polite disagreement could make my parent very defensive.
12. It was deflating to tell my parent about my successes because it didn’t seem to matter.
13. Facts and logic were no match for my parent’s opinions.
14. My parent wasn’t self-reflective and rarely looked at his or her role in a problem.
15. My parent tended to be a black-and-white thinker, and unreceptive to new ideas.

Take a deep breath.

Exercise 2: Assessing Your Childhood Difficulties with an Emotionally Immature Parent

Read through the following statements, which outline some of the most painful difficulties emotionally immature parents cause for their children, and check off all that reflect your childhood experience.

1. I didn’t feel listened to; I rarely received my parent’s full attention.
2. My parent’s moods affected the whole household.
3. My parent wasn’t sensitive to my feelings.
4. I felt like I should have known what my parent wanted without being told.
5. I felt like I could never do enough to make my parent happy.
6. I was trying harder to understand my parent than my parent was trying to understand me.
7. Open, honest communication with my parent was difficult or impossible.
8. My parent thought people should play their roles and not deviate from them.
9. My parent was often intrusive or disrespectful of my privacy.
10. I always felt that my parent thought I was too sensitive and emotional.
11. My parent played favorites in terms of who got the most attention.
12. My parent stopped listening when he or she didn’t like what was being said.
13. I often felt guilty, stupid, bad, or ashamed around my parent.
14. My parent rarely apologized or tried to improve the situation when there was a problem between us.
15. I often felt pent-up anger toward my parent that I couldn’t express.

Take a deep breath.

#NPD #life